the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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