I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
