Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
