if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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