the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
