At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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