I've blown a few things in my day
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
