It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
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All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
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I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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