I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
