i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
