census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
