I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
