Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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