Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
