I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
