This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
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Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
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Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I need to align my fucking chakras
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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