You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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