She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
im on a boat
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