walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
