His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
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Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's shark week go big or go home
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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