Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
