Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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