Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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