so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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