Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
