I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
PANTIES FOUND
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
