walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize