I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
