Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
