Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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