I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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