worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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