Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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