dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
