sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
