"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
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I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
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All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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