Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
