So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
