i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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