I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
