I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
