I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
