peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
