Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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