Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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