from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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