there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
