I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It's never too late to be topless.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
