I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
