so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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