i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There's always time for handjobs
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
