i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
