she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
