I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
